Spilt Emotions

To: M
From: Kudanil
Time: Tuesday, September 26, 2006 8:19 AM
Subject: Ah...gila lu M…kenapa jadi gini sih?

Regards,
Kudanil


To: Kudanil
From: M
Time: Tuesday, September 26, 2006 8:37 AM
Subject: Ehem

Cuy,
Whatever you think about me, pls dont change. Gw professional kok,gw gak akan berubah. Tetep akan jadi seperti yg dulu kok. I hope lo juga ye

…


9:15 AM, the phone rings. M’s extension number flashes on the display.
“Nil, maaf ya. Gw juga ragu tadi mau bilang ke elo. Tapi at least sekarang hati gw udah lega”

…

What exactly are you supposed to do when your best friend decides to come out and tell you how he really feels about you?

The one person to whom you run to whenever life isn’t treating you nicely, the brother you never had, the one you share all your hopes, deepest thoughts, inner most fears… Is. In. Love. With. You.

The sudden realization that every moment you spend together feels special to him. He watches your every move, every smile, every gesture. He remembers everything you ever told him, down right to the funny expressions on your face, the color of the clothes you’re wearing.

That every support, care and concern you give him means something a little bit more, whereas for you, it only means that you’re doing the right thing for a friend in need. That every vulnerability you ever exposed was because you know there is some sort of guarantee that no matter what, things will never change. That both of you will be able to share anything, anywhere.

Best friends, forever.

But things change, apparently. He looked at me funny Tuesday morning and reached out his hand. A letter. We never needed a letter to communicate before. Ever. My heart sank. Feeling what was to come.

“Apaan nih?”
“Lu baca aja…”

And there on the open pages, his handwriting for once showed his vulnerability, his fears, his thoughts of me. A side of him finally exposed, his struggle in trying to be honest to himself, to me, about what his heart’s been feeling all along.

Gosh.

Yesterday we tried to talk on the phone like the way we used to. Trying to ignore his sudden spill of emotions the day before. Trying to be the same. Trying to act ‘professional’, like he said. But it was too uncomfortable. Nervous laugh replacing the uneasy silence here and there. For the first time in a very long time, we don’t know what to say to each other.

Something’s different. Something’s changed. Maybe things will never be the same again, but hopefully it will. Somehow. Please God, let things go back they way they were. I’m counting on it. I have to count on it. Because he’s my best friend. And I need my best friend back.

Sorry I couldn’t be more to you than this, M. I’ll be whatever you need me to be, except that.

I can't.

The Way

“…I like the way you look people in their eyes when you talk to them.
I like the way you smile so suddenly, that secret smile of yours, and it seems like you are lost in your own fantasy, for those several seconds.
I like the way you smell. It’s good.
I like the way you eat…”

And I…I like the way you remember all those things and can say them back to me when we are alone, surrounded by quiet. And all I can hear is just your voice, on the other line at the end of a very long day.

Dialog with Inner Self

InnerSelf: Kudanil, please stop smiling like a jack ass, for goodness sake. It was only lunch, and it meant nothing else. It’s not even a date or anything. So, he’s nice and everything…

Kudanil: *lost in early morning daydream*

InnerSelf: Wipe that smirk off your face, I mean it! And try to concentrate and get some work done.

Kudanil: Hmmm….hmmm….

InnerSelf: Why are you still smiling? Cut it out….

Kudanil: It’s a beautiful Thursday, isn’t it?

InnerSelf: Oh, God. I give up. Oh…lookie, there’s Mr.Boss. Coming your way. Stop it right now….

Kudanil: *singing* It’s a beautiful Thursdayyyy….

InnerSelf: *praying to Someone Up There* Could I have a different outer self, please? Coz this hippo seems to forget her brain this morning and she seems to be…singing? Since when do hippos sing? I can’t take this anymore. I’ll disappear until she’s back to her cynical self, then I’ll be happy.

Kudanil: *dancing and singing* I feel good….I knew that I would…yeahhh...

InnerSelf: Just kill me right now…

Kalo Kudanil Dibuat Sebel

Pagi tadi setelah mandi, gw baru sadar kunci lemari baju ketinggalan di kantor. Dengan air netes2 dari rambut yang bikin lantai sedikit becek, gw punya pilihan antara pake baju kemaren, ato ngintip di lemari ade gw yang udah hampir kosong, cari sisa-sisa bajunya yang masih layak pakai. Nemu kemeja setengah butut, ama celana panjang item bekas ke kondangan 2 minggu lalu. Lumayan, daripada pake baju kemaren?

Sampe di kantor siap-siap kerja, pede banget hari ini akan jadi salah satu hari dimana semua kerjaan gw akan beres, tanpa satu gangguan apapun. Baru juga udah mulai sibuk, telpon bunyi:

Dia: Nil, gw perlu approval bos elu nih. Urgent ya…
Gw: Elu tau kan bos gw ada dimana sekarang? (sambil terbayang di benak gw suatu tempat yang lumayan jauh, dengan jalan agak nanjak, dan satpam-satpam ganjen)
Dia: Iya, lu anter dong approval ini ke dia sekarang
Gw: Yang perlu siapa? Elu aja lah yg anter. Gw udah ada kerjaan lain nih
Dia: Ini urgent banget
Gw: Itu kan urusan divisi lo. Elu dong yg anter
Dia: *bisik-bisik bangsat di ujung telpon* Kudanil, tolong anter ya approval ini ke Mr. Boss

Curang, dia nyuruh bos-nya ngomong ke gw. Chickenshit. Sayangnya bos gw sendiri lagi ngga ada untuk belain gw, jadi gw hanya bisa memancarkan sorot mata penuh ketidak relaan lewat lubang-lubang di gagang telpon, berharap gelombang-gelombang rasa tidak rela itu bisa nembus ke ujung sebelah sana dan melukai baik bos dan anak buah. Akhirnya gw berangkat ke suatu tempat yang lumayan jauh, dengan jalan agak nanjak, dan penuh dengan satpam-satpam ganjen itu.

Setelah semua beres, divisi itu, baik bos maupun anak buahnya ngga ada yg bother bilang makasih, gw jadi sebel. Dan kesebelan gw membawa gw cabut ke PS. Jam setengah sebelas pagi. Sendirian. Sampe disana, gw disapa dengan ramahnya oleh mbak-mbak dan mas-mas yang sibuk bersihin kaca, sibuk beres-beres dagangan yang masih berantakan sisa hari sebelumnya. Jadi kaya gini ya, suasana mall pagi hari, sambil senyum sana-sini ngebales sapaan mbak-mbak dan mas-mas.

Niatnya mu cari kado ultah, eh, malah nyasar di counter jam tangan.

Mbak-mbak: ini lagi diskon 20% lho Kak. Tapi harus nunjukkin kartu member dulu baru dapet diskon
Gw: Tapi saya lagi ngga bawa kartu member-nya Mbak
Mbak-mbak: kalo Kakak (Mama, liat ni…aku punya adik baru!) udah sreg sama model dan harganya nanti aku bisa usahain deh, kartu membernya
Gw: Ya udah, Mbak usaha dulu deh. Saya muter2 sini dulu ya. Telpon aja kalo udah ada *nyodorin kartu nama*
Mbak-mbak: *langsung nyegat Ibu-ibu yang lagi jalan sendirian* Bu, punya kartu member ngga?

Tau-tau ibu-ibu yang ngga tau apa-apa itu udah ditodong kartu member-nya dan disandera di counter jam tangan, sementara gw bayar ke kasir dan masukkin poin yang jumlahnya cukup buat beli baju lebaran baru ke kartu member ibu-ibu itu. Setelah jam tangan lunas, ibu-ibu langsung disuruh pergi lagi dengan manisnya sama mbak-mbak di counter jam tangan.

Tiga jam kemudian, dengan jam tangan baru langsung dipake (iya, gw norak), dan sakit maag yg kumat karena telat makan siang, gw balik ke kantor dengan hati yang riang gembira.

Let’s just hope the next time gw bad mood, apapun yang gw comot harganya gak akan semahal jam tangan tadi.

*liat jam tangan baru* ups, waktunya kembali bekerja :)

3am Breakdown

I woke up last night around 2 in the morning, feeling thirst in my throat. After a glass of much spilled water from the dispenser, lied back down on the bed. Ugh. Couldn’t fall asleep right away.

Five minutes later, for no reason at all, a tear rolled down my cheek. Then another. And another one. What started as silent tears soon turned hysterical. I made loud sobbing noises, bawling my eyes out, like a child whose favorite toy was taken away, secretly glad that the rest of the family was away in la-la land busy with their own dreams.

I was having a breakdown. At 3am.

After a while, the tears subsided and the sobs slowly turned to hiccups. I stared at the ceiling, awake. And stayed that way until my alarm went off. Then I start my day like any other morning.

It’s just one of those times when I need a good cry because all the pent up feelings need an outlet. It comes every now and then. I deal with that.

But the timing? 3 in the morning? Seriously? I need a better schedule for this.

Knock knock knockin…

Went home today, feeling hungry coz I missed lunch.

As soon as I got to Rusun, didn’t have much energy left except to smile at the security guy, and wait for the elevator. Held the elevator door open for people getting off, then walked in and punched the number of my floor.

I got out of the elevator to the smell of food filling the hallway.

Hmmm…Food…Hungry…

Mbak Mar masak apaaa yaa…

I got in front of my door and knocked. Slowly at first.

No answer.

I turned the doorknob. Locked.

Where is everybody?

I knocked again. Harder.

I looked at the door next to my unit, still knocking away. Hey, that’s funny. There used to be a bell on that door, and now it’s gone. Where did it go? When did they take it down? It was such a nice bell, too. Hmm…

I started pounding on my door harder. Dammit people, don’t you get that I’m hungry?

I rummaged around for my keys that seemed to be lost in the black hole also known as my purse, while refusing to lose a second and keep banging on the door that no one seemed to care enough to open.

Aaah, found the key. Put it in, turned it this way and that, the door still wouldn’t open.

What?

Wait, the color of my door’s supposed to be blue. And the door before me was unmistakably red.

Um.

Stepped back and read the number on the red door.

02GF

Um.

I was on the wrong floor, and I got the wrong door.

I had been pounding, turning doorknobs, and forcing my keys to the wrong door.

I ducked and walked slowly back to the elevator. I hope I didn’t scare the shit out of the people behind the red door, for thinking I might be there to rob them or something.

No wonder they didn’t open the door. Would you open your door to some crazy woman using her keys to force her way into the house that wasn’t hers? Did they see me through the peephole? Wait, are there cameras installed in the hallway catching my every moment of attempted breaking and entering?

Oh, man….

I’m not crazy, just hungry. Really.

Blame the elevator.

Two Words

Isn’t it funny how trying to say two simple words can bring back so many memories?

Suddenly, I return to that day when I forgot to bring my watch and had to borrow one before calculus finals cuz I was afraid to lose track of time.

And found myself tumbling into you….

The happiness, the eternal bliss, the laughter, the touch, the hugs, the kiss, the passion, the promise, the plans, the tears, the frustration, the fights, the lies, the anger, the pain, the secrets, the betrayal and at last….the inevitable goodbye.

I remember it all. Today especially.

Here’s to hoping that either one of us will ever hurt anybody we love that much anymore.
Here’s to wishing for the best of things life brings you, always.
Here’s to respect.
Here’s to being better people. Though in doing so, we had to let go of each other.
Here’s to all the things that made you the man you were, and the man that you will become.
Here’s to finally discovering who you are. And I discover me in the process.

Here’s to you.

Happy Birthday, dear…