Spilt Emotions

To: M
From: Kudanil
Time: Tuesday, September 26, 2006 8:19 AM
Subject: Ah...gila lu M…kenapa jadi gini sih?

Regards,
Kudanil


To: Kudanil
From: M
Time: Tuesday, September 26, 2006 8:37 AM
Subject: Ehem

Cuy,
Whatever you think about me, pls dont change. Gw professional kok,gw gak akan berubah. Tetep akan jadi seperti yg dulu kok. I hope lo juga ye

…


9:15 AM, the phone rings. M’s extension number flashes on the display.
“Nil, maaf ya. Gw juga ragu tadi mau bilang ke elo. Tapi at least sekarang hati gw udah lega”

…

What exactly are you supposed to do when your best friend decides to come out and tell you how he really feels about you?

The one person to whom you run to whenever life isn’t treating you nicely, the brother you never had, the one you share all your hopes, deepest thoughts, inner most fears… Is. In. Love. With. You.

The sudden realization that every moment you spend together feels special to him. He watches your every move, every smile, every gesture. He remembers everything you ever told him, down right to the funny expressions on your face, the color of the clothes you’re wearing.

That every support, care and concern you give him means something a little bit more, whereas for you, it only means that you’re doing the right thing for a friend in need. That every vulnerability you ever exposed was because you know there is some sort of guarantee that no matter what, things will never change. That both of you will be able to share anything, anywhere.

Best friends, forever.

But things change, apparently. He looked at me funny Tuesday morning and reached out his hand. A letter. We never needed a letter to communicate before. Ever. My heart sank. Feeling what was to come.

“Apaan nih?”
“Lu baca aja…”

And there on the open pages, his handwriting for once showed his vulnerability, his fears, his thoughts of me. A side of him finally exposed, his struggle in trying to be honest to himself, to me, about what his heart’s been feeling all along.

Gosh.

Yesterday we tried to talk on the phone like the way we used to. Trying to ignore his sudden spill of emotions the day before. Trying to be the same. Trying to act ‘professional’, like he said. But it was too uncomfortable. Nervous laugh replacing the uneasy silence here and there. For the first time in a very long time, we don’t know what to say to each other.

Something’s different. Something’s changed. Maybe things will never be the same again, but hopefully it will. Somehow. Please God, let things go back they way they were. I’m counting on it. I have to count on it. Because he’s my best friend. And I need my best friend back.

Sorry I couldn’t be more to you than this, M. I’ll be whatever you need me to be, except that.

I can't.