Yeah Okay...

I know, alrite! Heartbreaks suck. They hurt like hell. It makes you want to puke and cry and die, then puke some more every single day until it doesn’t hurt as much. Tell me about it. My heart’s been ripped off my chest, thrown against a brick wall, shattered to a million pieces, and though I felt like I could never go on, somehow I managed. Put heart back to place with superglue of guts. But it doesn’t mean that I have to mend what’s left of your heart when it was never my responsibility to hold it in the first place.

And what is up with telling everyone within an earshot how you’ve been feeling about me? I’ve got random people coming up to me and saying stuff like:

“Nil, dia titip salam kangen…”
“Nil, katanya dia udah mentog ama elu. Kagak bisa kelain hati..”
“Nil, lo tenang aja disini. Dia mu cari duit dulu yang banyak trus langsung lamar elo..”
“Nil, dia lagi nyiapin apartemen yang ada beach view-nya”
“Nil, abis lebaran dia pulang! Lo mau dibeliin apaan? Tinggal bilang..”
“Nil, dia bilang elu makin manis aje..”

Geez.

And while you are now a million miles away, working in another country, you still have the nerve to tell me:

“ Non, sampean jangan pacaran dulu ya, tunggu saya pulang, mungkin 3 bulan lagi, coz aku ngga tahan disini, takutnya sampean digaet orang lain..”

Who told you to move away in the first place? I certainly don’t recall ever encouraging you.

Wait for you? How about taking a little bit of a flashback and ask yourself this: where have you been buddy? All these years, when you had the chance, you never took one. We’ve known each other since 2004, I’ve been on the same floor with you for over a year, somehow you never actually try to get to know me.

Instead, you told everyone else who would listen how you think I'm the one for you, but you never bothered telling ME.

Now you say your heart’s broken and once again I am to blame. You tell other people here how I never pick up your call or how I never reply your sms and email, and suddenly I’m the bad guy.

Yeah well, because everytime you call there’s dead air everywhere. You still can’t talk to me. Not then, not now. A conversation with you goes something like this:

“Halo Non, gimana disana? Ok-ok aja kan?”
“Ok-ok aja Mas..”
“Gimana kantor? Ok-ok aja kan?"
“Ok-ok aja Mas..”

Dead. Air.

I never replied your email because you always cc. our emails to at least two other friends of yours. Writing stuff about how you always pray for us to be together, or how you’re now applying to a French owned company and how you would like to take me there one day. Those emails are supposed to be private, dontcha think? Why let other people read it?

I don’t reply your sms because I don’t know the polite reply to “Non, aku kangen nih sama sampean..” when I don’t feel the same way. Or the right way to reply, “Non, kalo aku pulang mau dibeliin baju merek apa? Disini semua ada lho..” when you know I was never impressed by whatever things your money can buy.

And now, I’ve still got random people come up to me and saying:

“Nil, dia patah hati tuh…”
“Nil, gw tau dia bukan tipe elu. Tapi elu harusnya kasih dia semangat dong, biar dia betah disana”

"Nil, dia pengen pulang terus tuh. Keinget lu mulu katanya..."

It seems like we are having a relationship that’s open for public viewing and interest, while in fact we have no relationship at all. People are so concerned about how I'm treating you, how you're feeling, never once asking how I might feel about this whole thing that you build up.

So now let me say how I feel: Us? I don't think it'll happen. Never pressured you to move away to make thousands of dollars I never want in the first place. But you moved. And I don’t think it’s fair telling me to wait for you when you had your two years to get to know me. But you never did. And all this time you think you know who I am? You have no idea. There’s so much more to me than that. And fuckit, money ain’t one of them. If you took the time to get to know me you would know that.

Heartbreaks are never easy. Yet most of us deal with it anyway. If you decide to expose to everyone how hurt you are, go ahead. Let me be the ugly bitch. Let me be the one everyone hates for being mean to you. But suck it up like a grown man and go on with your life.