Truce to Love, but Lost Anyway
He was perfect. He had called me “beautiful” earlier, and I hid myself in his arms, surrendered to the width of his chest, as he buried his face in the nape of my neck, giving small kisses that sent tingling bumps all over my body while whispering “wangi….” into my hair. He had smelled so good, I let myself held by him closer, inhaling his scent, trying to memorize this particular smell, between tickles and laughter, feeling him breathe in my ear, feeling his heart beat a little faster, feeling his warmth. I wanted to stay that way, forever. I closed my eyes. I’m finally here.
Then in came the conversations. Plans of a marriage. Him and another woman. Soon, maybe next year. With the same woman who broke his heart a while ago. He had come to me that day, feeling lost and wounded.
And just like that, I realized, he was never meant for me. Even if I tried. He was never meant for me because I could see his eyes sparkle at the thought of a future with her. His tone went a little softer in the mention of her name. He was in love, all over again. With her.
Being the man that he was, he apologized. His face showed regret. He looked hurt knowing that he hurt me. He took me to dinner, and we talked about work. Conversations flowed steadily but I hardly listened.
It was all a blur for me. Even as he hugged me goodbye. I tried to concentrate, but all I could see was blur of lights, blur of people, blur of traffic, a daze. I couldn’t think.
As soon as the blur of lights started assembling into clear images of street lamps and I began to focus, the tears start coming. So I cried. All the way home. I cried to the reflection in the mirror staring back at me in the elevator. I cried in the darkness of my room. I cried as I typed my last message thanking him for dinner. I cried. But still, the tears didn’t come fast enough.
The tears did not come fast enough when my mind was racing through my memory…searching, for this kind of pain. It felt familiar, yet all so new. I was here before, but the fall I took did not get any easier. I fell hard, crushed, damaged, stricken, again.
I let myself be vulnerable again. I let myself believe. I called truce to this funny thing named love. And I lost. Yet again.
Then in came the conversations. Plans of a marriage. Him and another woman. Soon, maybe next year. With the same woman who broke his heart a while ago. He had come to me that day, feeling lost and wounded.
And just like that, I realized, he was never meant for me. Even if I tried. He was never meant for me because I could see his eyes sparkle at the thought of a future with her. His tone went a little softer in the mention of her name. He was in love, all over again. With her.
Being the man that he was, he apologized. His face showed regret. He looked hurt knowing that he hurt me. He took me to dinner, and we talked about work. Conversations flowed steadily but I hardly listened.
It was all a blur for me. Even as he hugged me goodbye. I tried to concentrate, but all I could see was blur of lights, blur of people, blur of traffic, a daze. I couldn’t think.
As soon as the blur of lights started assembling into clear images of street lamps and I began to focus, the tears start coming. So I cried. All the way home. I cried to the reflection in the mirror staring back at me in the elevator. I cried in the darkness of my room. I cried as I typed my last message thanking him for dinner. I cried. But still, the tears didn’t come fast enough.
The tears did not come fast enough when my mind was racing through my memory…searching, for this kind of pain. It felt familiar, yet all so new. I was here before, but the fall I took did not get any easier. I fell hard, crushed, damaged, stricken, again.
I let myself be vulnerable again. I let myself believe. I called truce to this funny thing named love. And I lost. Yet again.
posted by kudanil.cantik @ 10:25 PM
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