Heartbroken...again

Umm…well…sebenernya gw tau kenapa hari Senin gw cranky banget dan sama sekali ngga semangat ngantor.

Jum’at kemaren gw kirim email ke DIA telling him that I miss him, against all my better judgment, even though I had a feeling that it would be useless. Thinking that this time would be different. Maybe having him resign would make things better. What almost (never) started in two years could actually start now, without the hassle of feeling awkward from being on the same floor, in the same company. We’re two adults now, we could finally address this thing, whatever it is between us, that’s been going on far too long.

To which he replied my email with:

“Main aja kesini, (hari) Minggu balig”

5 simple words, but impossible none the same.

“Kesini” being somewhere far away. Countries away. Between Indonesia and somewhere in the Middle East away.

Was this some kind of crappy joke? Because, he didn’t write it like it was a joke. And I didn’t read it with the intonation of a joke. And if it was a joke, was it supposed to be funny?

Seeing that, first of all: I need a ticket, a passport, a visa, all in the course of that Friday evening. Then I would have to fly there, for I don’t know how many hours, be back home safe and sound on a Sunday (granted I don’t get: a. kidnapped, b. robbed, c. lost, or d. all of the above).

I replied his email noting all reasons of why I could not come to visit him, adding, what I hoped to be a little wit and some humor (trying not to look too pathetic here), and from then on, no reply from him. Not even an email because-I’m-only-feeling-sorry-for-you kind of reply. Nope. Nada. Zero. Nil.

He’s still being him. Cold. Distant. Insensitive. Even in a different part of the world. Apparently the change of weather (culture, language, whatever) does nothing to his ability to maintain a decent level of human connection. Instead of showing any sign that he cared about me at all, or just tell me how he’s doing, or writing something that has more than 5 motherf__ing words, or even perhaps…God forbid, saying that he missed me too; he opted for the impossible, and leaving me with nothing.

And I get my heart broken. Again. By HIM.

This happened so many times before I actually lost count. He’d seemed interested for two seconds, then boom…he’s gone.

Even if he did show a tiny bit of interest in the span of two years that I’ve known him, it’s enough to make my heart beat twice as fast just being around him, mumbling something unforgivably stupid EVERYTIME we had a chance to talk, making my hands feel cold and clammy (even to this very second as I am writing this post) when I think of him, having countless dreams come and go (first innocent ones before they turn to dirty dreams :)), bittersweet feeling of missing and wanting him at the same time, the desperate tears that I silently shed along with my choice of “lagu patah hati” at the moment…

Yes, he has that effect on me. Yes, I know I’m being stupid. And No, I can’t help it.

And it’s frustrating to know that I’m so weak at this. It’s frustrating for me to realize that I am not over him yet. And it makes me crazy that I’m not able to move on. Give my heart another chance. Give some other guy a chance.

I’ve sworn him off about the same amount of times I’ve fallen for him.

Now my mind is saying what-a-fucking-jerk-does-he-have-no-heart-at-all?, over and over again for as long as my brain allows it. But as soon as he does something even remotely sweet and kind, human level wise, I’m back where I started again.

So tell me again why the hell am I still in love with this guy?